I’d generally consider myself a fan of Armin Brott, aka Mr. Dad. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed his books on fatherhood. His podcast sometimes catches my interest as well. In this case, though, I have to strongly disagree with him.
Someone wrote to him as follows.
“Dear Mr. Dad: It’s been a longstanding tradition in our extended family to attend church on Sunday and then go out to brunch. However, now my 14-year-old daughter says she no longer likes church because she finds that services are boring. My husband says we should force her to go, but I don’t think that would work. What’s your take?”
Religion and parenting is always an interesting combo, isn’t it? Let’s see how Mr. Dad responds and why I would take his advice with a grain of salt, shall we?
Brott’s response begins:
“If Sunday services have been a family tradition for years, I can certainly understand your disappointment at your daughter’s refusal to go with you. As you can imagine, there are quite a few factors that might have led to this sudden change of heart. Chances are, though, that few if any of them have anything at all to do with religion.
I’m inclined to agree that this girl’s reasons for rebelling against going to church has very little to do with religion. However, I must object to both the questioner and Brott’s characterization of attending religious services as a mere family tradition. Family traditions are regular walks, seasonal fishing trips, summer vacations, special bedtime routines, and even going out out to brunch after church could be considered family traditions, but not going to church. Perhaps for Chreasters (those who attend services only on Christmas and Easter), going to church could be called a tradition, but not for anyone serious about their faith.
It’s simply not the nature of religion, a word that has roots in the Latin “religo“, meaning “to bind fast”. Religions are what bind us tightly together in faith and practice. It’s something that obliges us. Corporate worship is traditional in the sense that it’s handed down from older to younger generations, but it’s much more serious and important than the colloquial meaning. More on this in a bit.
Skipping a head a little
“So what should you do? Well, you begin by not doing what your husband suggests. Forcing your daughter to go to church when she really, really doesn’t want to will backfire. Instead of getting her more engaged, you’ll be driving her away and she’ll dislike services even more than she already does.”
I understand where he’s coming from, but this is really where we have to part company. Pardon me as I move from vaguely Christian to explicitly orthodox Catholic.
I don’t know what kind of church the questioner attends, but I know the rules about attending Sunday worship (mass) in the Catholic Church. Keeping the Sabbath holy and attending mass is the first precept of the Church, and deliberate failure in this obligation is a grave sin. That means as long as my kids are living under my roof and by my rules, attendance at Sunday mass will be mandatory. They’ll have only two choices in the matter: they can either meet their Sabbath obligation or confess the sin of failing to do so at the earliest convenient time. As their parent, I’m responsible for making sure my kids are raised in the faith. It’s one of my obligations to make sure they meet their obligations. Simple teenage rebellion does not constitute a serious reason to skip mass.
“Instead of criticizing your daughter’s decision, you and your husband need to talk to her about how important the services and religion in general have been to you personally. Have there been times when your faith has given you strength and hope in difficult circumstances? Or when members of your community have provided help and support when you needed them most? If so, share this with your daughter. If she can see the benefits and meaning that your faith and your community have given you, she might be more willing to reconsider her decision.”
I actually agree with this entirely.
“Her complaints that services are boring, however, are something altogether different. She may, in fact, be right. What’s the average age of people who attend services? If it’s mostly older folks or young families with small children, the sermons and community activities that may be perfect for those groups would be completely irrelevant to a teenager.”
He’s gone off the rails again. There was a time that I would have strongly agreed with him. That time lasted after when I joined the Church in 2000. However, I’ve come to learn that the aesthetics of high liturgy have rich catechetical value, and those who are bored are generally copping out. Even poor liturgy, however, does not destroy the most important and central aspect of worship. That is the Eucharist, the Divine Presence of the Body and Blood of Christ, is so important, so significant, and so beautiful that it trumps even the worst aesthetics. Of course, that doesn’t mean poor liturgy can’t be psychological and/or spiritually harmful or superb liturgy enriching. It just means that warm fuzzes or smells and bells aren’t why we’re obliged – or should desire – to attend.
“As a compromise, could you find a nearby church that offers a youth ministry and outreach programs geared to teens? I’m betting that she’ll be able to relate much better to that type of worship environment than to traditional services, and she’ll be hard pressed to find excuses not to go.”
Church-shopping is often understandable, and I’ve been known to do it myself, but it shouldn’t be uncritically encouraged. It would be best if parents considered which parish(es) in their area offered the kind of religious education, liturgy, and faith support they needed to carry the family through all their children’s formative years. Sure, unplanned changes sometimes have to be made, but the intention should be to find a parish and stick to it. Looking for a new parish in the midst of adolescence to satisfy fickle tastes is self-defeating and could be harmful to the whole family. Tastes change, priorities are rearranged, patience grows, and children mature. The Church, the Mystical Body of Christ on Earth, His Holy Bride, is constant and everlasting.
We shouldn’t be accommodating our children’s whims, but guiding our children on the path we desire them to follow. Children have free will, and we can’t force them to believe as we believe or behave as we behave, but it’s a parent’s responsibility to raise them to become integral adults – whole persons, with consciences formed in authentic faith. Indeed, it is a profound privilege we have received, as persons created in the image and likeness of God, that we may participate in God’s creation as priests, prophets, and kings for our families.
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I too stopped going to church with my family when I was a teenager. Not that I found it boring, I simply didn’t agree with the teachings. I think that you have to let her make up her own mind and support her BUT also teach her why church can be a positive experience if so desired. I suspect she will make up her own mind as she gets older. I did not lose faith because I stopped going to church, I simply had my own thoughts and ideas and followed my heart. I would never call myself an atheist, however I do not support the organized religion mentality.
That’s just not an option for me. My kids can make that decision for
themselves when they’re independent adults. Their souls are my
responsibility until then. Mass attendance simply isn’t a matter my kids
have a say in.
I don’t think making a child go to Mass (or any religious service) is expecting them to believe. Having your own thoughts/opinions/beliefs and thinking about them is part of growing up and being a teenager. I think it’s worthwhile respecting the child’s right to believe what he wants. But until he’s 18, he has to live by your rules, and going to Mass is one of them, at least for most devout Catholic parents. Respectful attendance is mandatory; belief is not. In fact, if he says “I don’t believe in this”, that’s fine! You can’t force anyone to believe, and picking THAT battle is what will push him away. He still has to attend but he better not be receiving communion.
How about giving her the option of which Mass she wants to attend? When she’s an adult, she may attend Mass at different times due to her schedule/travel/etc, and instilling a habit of independently taking responsibility for her Sunday obligation could be a way of defusing this battle without diluting the catechesis. No, she doesn’t have to go with the whole family, but she does have to go. Or, as you point out, go to Confession the next week. The choice is up to her. I’d let her go to LifeTeen though, if she wants, while the rest of the family goes to a regular Mass. Part of bringing a teen up Catholic is forming their independent faith; otherwise they just go to college and stop going to Church entirely because nobody’s forcing them to anymore.
There’s some appeal to your suggestion, but I feel strongly that a family,
as the domestic church, should worship together. The Church only insists
that we attend mass. I insist that we attend communally (when
feasible), for the good of all our souls. I’m trying to make prayer and
worship an integral part of my family’s daily life and routine, and not just
something we do once a week to fulfill an obligation.
I’d really rather not. I don’t think LifeTeen
is good for the Church or my children.
I agree with the sentiment, but I’d hope there are better ways to keep our
kids Catholic than sending them to sing kumbayah folk or pop-rock praise and
worship tunes. If the only way I can keep my kids in the Church is to appeal
to their pop culture tastes, I’ve already failed. Mass is more than warm
fuzzies. As I said above, I’m endeavoring to make Catholic faith and
practice an integral part of my family’s communal life. My oldest isn’t
quite 3, so I don’t know yet how successful my efforts are, but I can say
confidently that both my almost-3yo and almost-2yo get excited about, and
enjoy participating in, daily mass and saying prayers at meals, bedtime,
etc. (e.g. 1, 2, 3).
Can the kid bring a book to read? It can be nominally religious / spiritual (as opposed to a Twilight novel!).
I agree with respectful attendance. We all have to learn to do things that are boring and that we don’t like. It is part of being an adult. That being said, I hope that church isn’t boring and that the people going do like it or at least get enough out of it. Part of being a family is participating in things you don’t find wonderful.
Kids should go to church without being forced. They should still have to go – even if they really don’t want to. I don’t know why. They just should. (from a 7 year old)
Many Catholic youth lose interest in mass while in there teens. Honestly, I think this has to do with the parent not leading the child to have a personal relationship with God. Sure, you can force them to go anywhere “unpleasant” when their kids, but when their teenagers they start to think and evaluate everything themselves. We need to remember that our first church is our household.
Most Catholics unfortunately are only Sunday Catholics. They just go through the motions, and occasionally say a prayer when in a bind.
If the child and later teenager knows Christ and truly understands the meaning of mass, they would find it to be nourishing and necessary for their life, not as a boring requirement of their religion.