Death: The Final Frontier


I was careless
I thought I used them so well

“Oh, how caustic!”
“Oh, how prophetic!”
“Oh, how sentimental!”
I was selfish
Even now as I savor these saved drops of my blood,
I know that I will waste them again someday

Someday, the well will renew itself
Someday, I’ll suck myself into pity and despair again
And why?
Because I’m lonely
Or bored
Or because life isn’t fair
I?m a fool
I never remember these lucid moments
Oh sure, I recall them like a fond memory
“What a nice poem” or “Damn, that was good one”
But I never really remember
So I have to wait
Wait until I’m forced to see
Like now

It scares the hell out of me, you know
Despair like this goes way beyond hurting
I feel like I’ve been kidnapped and dropped into an unfamiliar world
A world of bigotry
And hate
And hypocrisy
And brutality
And worst of all ?

And I wonder ?
What?s my part in all of this?
That scares me for a while
Until I wonder if my part matters
Or if I even have a part

And here I am again
Frantically scribbling words I thought I had lost forever
And hoping they will calm me enough that I can sleep tonight
And praying that I won’t forget them again
And knowing I’ll wake up tomorrow
Feeling “fresh”
Having forgotten again
And I’ll go about my pointless life
Until I remember again
And scribble my sanity-saving words ?
My precious forgotten words
And wishing
That I could bring myself to tears

Why can’t I cry?