I was careless
I thought I used them so well
“Oh, how caustic!”
“Oh, how prophetic!”
“Oh, how sentimental!”
I was selfish
Even now as I savor these saved drops of my blood,
I know that I will waste them again someday
Someday, the well will renew itself
Someday, I’ll suck myself into pity and despair again
Because I’m lonely
Or because life isn’t fair
I?m a fool
I never remember these lucid moments
Oh sure, I recall them like a fond memory
“What a nice poem” or “Damn, that was good one”
But I never really remember
So I have to wait
Wait until I’m forced to see
It scares the hell out of me, you know
Despair like this goes way beyond hurting
I feel like I’ve been kidnapped and dropped into an unfamiliar world
A world of bigotry
And worst of all ?
And I wonder ?
What?s my part in all of this?
That scares me for a while
Until I wonder if my part matters
Or if I even have a part
And here I am again
Frantically scribbling words I thought I had lost forever
And hoping they will calm me enough that I can sleep tonight
And praying that I won’t forget them again
And knowing I’ll wake up tomorrow
Having forgotten again
And I’ll go about my pointless life
Until I remember again
And scribble my sanity-saving words ?
My precious forgotten words
That I could bring myself to tears
Why can’t I cry?