May 07

Passing Pets and Precocious Personalities

I think Dusty was a little jealous of this addition to the family 7 years ago (Alex).

I think Dusty was a little jealous of this addition to the family 7 years ago (Alex).

Today we said goodbye to a furry member of the family. A little over a month ago, our cat Dusty started losing his appetite and, consequently, weight. Long story short, skipping over expensive vet visits and whatnot, he never regained his appetite, lost almost half his body weight, and became very weak. On Wednesday night, while we still sat around the dinner table, we told the kids that we’d made the difficult decision to have him euthanized on Saturday. Their responses fascinated me and distracted me a little from my grief.

I didn’t really get through telling the kids the whole plan before I started crying. That immediately triggered crying from them. Once the initial wave of sadness passed, which was pretty uniformly intense for all involved, further mourning and processing proceeded according the differing ...

(Read the rest...)

Mar 19

So Much

Photo "Depression" by Flickr user Ryan Melaugh

Photo “Depression” by Flickr user Ryan Melaugh

So much I want to say
So much going on in my head
So much I can’t express
So much I’m sorry for

So much anger
So much frustration
So much fear
So much anxiety

So much failure
So much disappointment
So much sadness
So much emptiness

So hard to explain
So little confidence
So afraid to frighen
So lacking tears

So they don’t know

The post So Much appeared first on Rabble Raiser.

Nov 18

Refugees and Samaritans

Stained glass window depicting the Parable of the Good Samaritan, Church of Saint-Eutrope in Clermont-Ferrand, stained glasses (Puy-de-Dôme, France), image from Wikimedia Commons

Stained glass window depicting the Parable of the Good Samaritan, Church of Saint-Eutrope in Clermont-Ferrand (Puy-de-Dôme, France), image from Wikimedia Commons

Tonight’s bedtime prayers with the kids had a good “teachable moment”.

I prayed that the refugee situation would end well, with all of the displaced and frightened people having their needs met. My inquisitive kids asked what refugees are, and I explained in simple terms that didn’t involve discussing terrorism, Syrian politics, or Islamic extremism. This led to some muddled (but earnest) questions from Lily (4.5), who tried to connect everything to Star Wars or Doctor Who. So, I explained the situation using elements of Star Wars, connecting the Empire with terrorists, and I must have used the word parable, because I then had to explain what one was.

So, I paraphrased for them the parable of the Good Samaritan. I connected the robbed and beaten man with the ...

(Read the rest...)

Aug 09

Forgiveness

CC-licensed photo by Flickr user mobilesage

CC-licensed photo by Flickr user mobilesage

Recently, my oldest child did something that shocked and moved me. I had walked into the living room and found something out of place that my kids had no permission to touch. Alex (nearly 7) was standing there when I discovered the misdeed. I got disproportionately angry, probably because of a lot of recent failures to listen to and follow instructions, and I gave him a hard “Gibbs slap“. Alex then informed me that he was innocent, and that Joel was the perpetrator.

Oops.

I suddenly felt incredibly guilty. A contributor to, and consequence of, my anxiety and depression is my poorly-controlled temper, which I’ve struggled with for too long. Alex didn’t deserve that smack, and even he had been the troublemaker, my reaction would till have been excessive. I anxiously awaited a good opportunity for a proper apology.

A short time later ...

(Read the rest...)

Jul 27

I Have No Tears And I Must Cry

I painted this self-portrait about 18 years ago in the midst of one of my night terrors.

I painted this self-portrait about 18 years ago in the midst of one of my night terrors.

The title of this post is adapted from a Harlan Ellison short story called “I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream”. It’s a minimally edited amalgamation of thoughts I wrote in streams of consciousness at 4AM on June 27 and 3:30 AM on July 2 (with a few minor additions).

This is a very personal post, because it exposes some of my struggles with anxiety and depression. Mental health issues run through both sides of my family, and I’ve dealt with them to on and off for most of my life. I wasn’t diagnosed until 2002 (when I was 25), and I was only treated with counseling and medication briefly. I’ve been in a rough spot lately, and I’ve thought about seeking treatment. The commitments in my life make finding the time for therapy/counseling nigh ...

(Read the rest...)

Older posts «

Get Adobe Flash player